Sad, Bad and Guilty

Today, I got some announcement from her and I'm totally sad. I just didn't expect that things will turn out this way. For some reason, I just feel another emptiness in me.

When I see him, I feel so bad. Feel so so bad and it just seems like everyone is plotting something against him and he is the only one that is unknown about everything. It's not like he is totally that bad, he is always there when we need him but why does things have to turn out this way? I have to urge to tell him everything. I know how it feels to have everyone being normal to him and when he is not there they were plotting or planning something. I want to tell him but somehow I just can't. I just can't bring myself to say it out.

Looking at him, still showing concern to us really make me feel guilty of not telling him. But for some reason I just can't. It's just like you are looking left and right simultaneously. I just have the feeling that I am betraying him. Why is it that nobody cares?

I wish I would have someone who can guard me, someone like Athena guiding her daughter Annabeth or Poseidon guiding his son Percy. I wish I have the oracle here to tell me the prophecy. What should I do? I'm just trapped in the middle.

I wish I have a device to change people's mind. What can I do? What should I do?

Another emptiness feeling. Filling up. I guess 2/3 of my heart is empty now. Who is going to take away the remaining 1/3?

I guess I can't sleep again tonight. Who can I turn to? There's no one I can trust now. Even the only one is already sleeping.

May god bless me. Bless him. Bless everyone I love.

I going to try turning in now. Don't really feel good now. I just want all my happiness back. All! Everything!!!!

Pondering.

Just wondering if I should have say it? Or should I just not tell? Is it a mistake? Just can't stop wondering.

It's so hard to believe in something when you have already know the fact and people are still telling you the opposite results. I wanna try to listen to your stories but the fact that I saw and the inner me is telling me that they are all lies and it's so hard to convince myself that it's a fact.

Action speaks louder than words and that's the only think I can say. If you were to tell the me the truth now then maybe I won't be feeling this way.

I need to sort out this. I need a jog. Please illness please go away.

~~~

Apart from that, I think that I'm quite clumsy recently. Getting hurt there and cutting myself here. Was baking and I cut myself TWICE. Stupid clumsy me.

The results turns out good and not bad. Kinda proud of myself but I spoiled my mum electronic whisk. Actually she did it indirectly. Haha! Might be going to get a new electronic whisker soon.

Alright. Recently kinda happy other than the stuffs above making me ponder. Yup!

I'm reading so fast and I'm proud too. This is the first time that I spend 1 day finishing up a book about 250+ pages. LOL! Wow, reading using a kindle really speed things up. Oh! Kindle, Amazon Kindle. Reading Percy Jackson series. She lend it to me. Haha!

After when I'm done with Percy Jackson Series, I'm going to research on all the Greek God Stories. Wahaha!

Alright. Going to take my brunch now.

Hope that you didnt get yourself drunk last night.

Sick~

Hi all! I'm sick! LOL! Cough, sore throat, fever and down with a little bit of flu. LOL! Wont die so should be alright.

Recently there are a lot of things that happened, I can't post it here, kinda of private and personal. I hope this pass and let everything be in peace.

I suddenly dont like a particular someone. Hmm... Just that particular someone that I doesnt like now. Hmm... How to say? I also dont know. Long long story I guess.

Hmm... Recently kinda of happy? LOL! Why? Another long story too. LOl! But I'm just particularly happy yesterday? LOl!

Alright. I'm going to IMM now. LOL! Going to bath and leave house. LOL! See ya!

Once Again Happy!

Last night was quite a nice night for me. Enjoyed.

I'm happy too. In fact more than happy. Met her for dinner at teppanyaki over at jurong point. Was searching and looking for some materials but somehow there isnt any that I like and was looking for. So didnt manage to get any.

Yesterday plan was to make her happy because these few days she dont seems to be in the right mood. So yeah, I didnt mean to book the tickets for the movie without discussing with her. I just try my luck and hopefully she dont finds it impulsive. Haha.

Anyway, in the movie, seeing her laugh till so happy makes me happy too. It have been a long time since I see her laugh like this. :D hope to see her laughter everyday.

Although I'm not the one that make her laugh but at least she laugh. OH! She said that she wants to eat more of my cakes! Haha!

She must be still sleeping. Reached home so late just because she was gossiping with huixian and toh hong. Haha! Just hope that she have enough rest.

Just hope that this will be the last time you say thank you to me. :)

Happy Day Today.

Or it's suppose to be called yesterday? LOL!

Because she's unhappy, so I made a so called cake for her. Motive? To make her happy. So was asking everyone to try before letting her have it. I want her to have the best of my masterpiece.

But before I was able to do that, she was already tasting it. But she said it was nice and dont mind to have a second serving. Haha! Happy to the max.

Although I know that she is still unhappy and only a cake wont make her happy. But still I hope that she is alright and happy. There might be post that make you unhappy and I apologise but still, I'm sorry. Cheer up and get better! :)

Don't think about anything.

It's the past and let it pass.

Worried!

Hi! I saw a :( face on her facebook and I'm so worried and wondering what happen to her. But I dont know what I just dont have the courage to text her how is she doing and what happen to her.

Even if I were to text her will she tell me the answer? I really hope that she is alright. Really hope so.

Hope that you are fine.

I didnt text because I'm just a coward.

Please be fine and if it's about me then maybe stop thinking about it.

Wish you all the best.

Sad

I thought everything I heard was true and I choose to believe but ended up it was something made up.

Total sadness fills me in. Sometimes I just have the feeling of picking up the phone and sending "I Miss You" to you.

Wonder if this time round was real?

Today, went to meet Sharon for her opening stuffs then after that went to look for something. Nothing to much to shop, she was feeling sick so asked her to go home and rest.

I went to jog after going home. Woo... Longest jog of the week I guess. I jog to lakeside to look for Sharon and she told me that she would be there. I jog there not because she's there, because it was my usual route. So today stop there for a pit stop.

After that continue to jog to boon lay. Wow! Long jog! Last time used to did that until recently. Today was the first time that I jog so long. Gotta compensate to the other days when I didn't jog.

Today's long jog were to clear my mind and calm myself. Hmm... 2 hours jog today was cool and I sweat damn lot. LOL!

While on the way home, my leg was so wobbly that I almost fell into the drain. After that a bicycle came at me directly and I doesnt have enough strength to dodge and I was knock down. Haha! Clumsy me. I dont blame that cyclist. I was at blame for not having enough reaction time to dodge that when I suppose to have.

After that, walked home and I saw something wriggle on the of the tree and was thinking what was it. Looked up and I saw a snake. Shocked me. I was like jumped and almost fall back. LOl! Yes it's a snake! Haha! Super scary. Haha! I faster run away in case that snake attacks me. Haha!

~~~

This few days I have been trying to calm myself down and stop thinking. Sorting out every feeling, every emotions and base on what I see and what I receive I tried sort it out. The result of what I should do is the same.

I have been happy doing something and yet unhappy at the same times. Thinking... Who am I? What am I?

Hearing what someone said really makes me happy and wishing that that was real but in fact are always cruel.

Alright, I guess that's all for today. Tomorrow's will be a shocking news to see. Look out! LOL!

I thought I am.

I thought that I'm alright but actually I'm not. I thought after all those constant running my mind would have calmed down and trying to move forward but in fact I'm just running constantly at the same spot. I've tried to step out of it but it seems like the treadmill is not stopping for me to get down.

I wasnt feeling good that I heard that and I was shivering from head to toe when I sees it. Damn. I should be alright but why am I not?

I'm receiving something so fake and putting my hope high when I notice that everything was so fake that it just falls from heaven to hell.

I guess this are just my wishful thinking.

That's why I say, Men Love Bitches and Women Love Asshole Bastard. There are actually no Man that love a Woman and a Woman that love a Man.

I'm forgetting it. Stop coming in.

Calm and Ready

Woo~~~ I've spend a week to calm myself down. I'm constantly taking my drugs and I have been controlling myself and restraining myself from a lot of things. It should have calm down and really calm down.

I'm proud of myself. Although the prey hasn't change but it will be a harder target now. The doc said that I'm ready to go for it. So I shall make my move soon.

Of course at the same time I'm going to let nature take it's course though.

Hmm... Kim Tian! You are up for it. Go for it and believe in yourself and you will reached your target in no time!

All the best!

~~~

Hello blog! Do you know how hurtful it is to have hurt someone you love and care so deeply?

I tell you, it is so hurtful that every single seconds I will be thinking how is she feeling? Is she alright? Is she able to recover from that? I'm so worried. I know that I shouldnt have posted that it was just on an impulse. I dont know but I really didnt know that it will hurt that much.

Anyway, now I have already become the bad guy then just let me handle all the despise and stuffs.

I'm sorry. Sorry for hurting you, seeing you this way hurt me too. Sorry!

I'm sorry for hurting you.

Gultiness

I'm in total guiltiness. I dont know what more can I do or can I say. I just feel so bad inside out. I wanna make her feel better but in fact I'm making it worse. What should I do? I dont wanna hurt her my I hurt it.

I'm feeling totally bad now. What can I do to salvage this? I want her to be happy. I want her to be back to normal. I want her to be just the way she is.

I'm so sorry for everything. I just want you to be happy that's all. I will protect you from now on. I dont want you to shed a drop of tears anymore.

Its Still Hurting

Oh My God! Just when I thought that things are getting better a more shocking news shot me. Disappointment after disappointment is what I got.

I'm super hurt now and I want to forget it but I just can't. What am I suppose to do? I want my life to be back to normal, to back to how it use to be.

I wish that I have a time machine and I could change time and stuffs all back to how I wish it could be.

I wish that I could let go, but I know that I still love her. I know she don't but I still can't help it.

If things were to get back to normal,

I promise that I will cherish it more than how it used to be.

I love you!

Birthday!

Today is my birthday and yeah, this year birthday wasn't anything happy as compared to the past 3 years. Because this year I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday with the one I love.

Was hoping that this morning I will wake up and really find a big box at the living room and when I open up the box I find her inside. Haha! *I know that's stupid but yeah*

Or perhaps the breaking up was a hoax for my birthday celebration and she will come hugging me saying that she broke up with me because of my birthday surprises. *Haha! I know it's stupid and people will be angry when they heard that but for now I really hope this happen* LOL!

Hmm... Dont really have plan today but yeah also dont really have stuffs for me to look forward to.

Only one present I want this year,

is the only precious gem that I used to have.

If once again I could own it,

I promised I will cherish till the end.

Missing Her.

Why can't I be like Jerine? So strong hearted and let it go.

Always thinking about her and I just can't bear to let go. I know that it's impossible and this is the first time that I'm doing something or going for something which I don't have confidence in.

Trying all sort of things not to do but I just can't. I know that she's no longer my girlfriend. But I still can't help it but to worry about her. Her gastric pain, she herself walking home and more and more. Anything that will let me worry.

She went to batam and I'm here worrying about her weather will she have seasick, is she alright over there and stuffs.

I know its mission impossible and I am trying to tell myself that it's possible. Why am I so stupid?

I need a run now to calm myself. I hope she's alright there and wont get sick. Take care my love and all the best!

How I wish I got to see you tomorrow, like the past 2 years!

Missing you!

~~~

Hais... Woke up with a very vex feeling again. Why is this so? Tomorrow is my birthday but no seems to have anything to look forward towards. Why do I have so many thing to think of? Why do I have to consider so much factors? Why is it that even though I know what is the result and I'm still insist on trying?

Dont have anything that I want now, how I wish that tomorrow there will be a big box outside my house and she's inside. I was thinking that it's stupid but right now this is what I want.

I need some confidence boost. Just someone that will give me words of courage and encourage me to march forward.

There are so many thing in my mind now. So many things that it's choking up my brain and not allowing it to think about other stuffs.

Trying to let go but at the same time holding on to it. Today she went to batam, knowing that make me miss her. I know I'm not suppose to but how? Can I do it? I'm worried that she will have sea sick because the weather. I'm worried about her being sick over there because it's not that hygiene. I want to stop all those thoughts but I cant.

If birthday wish are really come true, then the only wish this year is Wishing that she will come back to me.

All I want for birthday this year is you

ONCE AGAIN I'M BACK!

Once again I'm back to blogging and in between this period of time there are a lot of things that have happened. I seldom blog because I was keeping a diary hence blogging became less often for me.

Everything happy have ended and now I'm searching for a new happiness. Broke off. I'm quite sad and try to make things work out but it seems not working at all. I thought stuffs that I done could be enough to make her regain the feeling but in fact it backfired.

Whatever I did, hoping that she will at least feel touched or something but ended up it seems like it's making it worse.

Yesterday after a long run, it seems like things kinda have calm down in my heart but of course the emptiness would not go away just because of a run. I'm trying to get over with it and I know it takes time.

Always hoping that we would get back together but still I know in her heart there isnt any place for me anymore. She made it so clearly that she isnt going to come back to me and her peer are also objecting her getting back together with me.

Even though I know that if we were to get back together, things would have different but why isnt her and anyone trusting me? I know that I have broke her heart a number of times and I know that it's hard for her to trust me, but I still want her to trust me this last time. I know I'm selfish to make her trust me and let her have the pressure of being control again. However I just know that things would be different and better.

She just gave me the feeling that I want to protect her from now till the end. The first person that I ever fall so deeply with. The first person who gave me the feeling of patching back so badly. But still I know it's impossible.

Even though impossible I'm still insist of trying. How? Looking at all the blog post and stuffs really make me happy and how I wish we went back to how it use to be.

All the best to me and her. Although I cant forget but still I hope she's well. She's just a precious gem that I will never find it again. :'(